Slice of Life- Sadness

I woke up early this morning and enjoyed the quiet house. I used the time to recharge and reflect on how I felt and to spend some time alone with my thoughts. Being busy everyday, it is easy to just go through the motions of life and never stop to measure how you really feel...and I've been doing that lately. Busy with raising my boys and maneuvering through each day. But as I looked inside myself this morning, I realized I felt a bit anxious and sad. And honestly, it was not a new feeling. It's something I always feel and carry with me. Most days, I tuck it away out of sight. The sting brewing just under the surface. A simple thought or mention of my sister will rip open a flood of sadness. I feel compelled to talk about how I feel, to come clean, to acknowledge the pain and hope to ease it somehow, if only for today.

My sister is an alcoholic and it has been extremely painful for me to watch this disease destroy her. I hate the disease and that it holds such power over her that she hasn't been able to overcome it. I hate that I'm powerless and can't help her and it frustrates me. I hate that it has driven her so far away. The disease that makes her unapproachable, angry, and perpetually adolescent. I hate that this disease affects all of us! 

I don't know why I thought of her so much this morning because we are in one of those periods where we're not talking to each other...or maybe that's why. There's a piece of me that is glad for the reprieve from her hate mail texts and angry phone calls. Her venomous disease manifested through technology. Infecting and spreading out to all in it's path. The disease that bleeds into every crevice of this family and beyond; none of us are untouched. I am hurt, injured and crippled by this disease that makes me half of a person because I can't feel happiness when I think of my sister. I feel sad and helpless, as if I'm watching a plane about to crash.
 
I wish I knew of something to cure her disease, to stop the impact, because I would give it to her in a heartbeat. But, I know there nothing I can actively do for her. I have accepted that only she can make a change, all I can do is wait and support her as best I can. We all wait... 

I love my sister so very much. I miss her. I miss being able to have a relationship with her. I miss being able to trust her and confide in her. I miss her amazing sense of humor and laughing until our cheeks hurt and bellies ache. I carry this pain with me, this worry for her, this aching loss of my sister within my heart even though she lives and I want to scream and shake her out of her cloud of self-hatred and save her! ...to ease myself. To ease this crushing sadness I feel every time I think of my sister.

I love you always.